Survival of the Fattest II: stratagem

Good planning is key to a successful buffet experience. Here I offer up five key tips for gaining that extra foothold:

Grab a central table. I can’t stress this enough people. A central table is essential to any successful buffet maneuver, which can become quickly jeopardized by too much walking. Walking is your enemy! Leaving aside the fact that on your fifth trip to the dessert counter you won’t want to be carrying that bulging stomach very far, the further you are from the food the more plates you’ll have to carry. Thus, any number of things can quickly go wrong. You may drop some of your carefully chosen fare, even a whole plate, even multiple dishes! Or you may miss a whole section in your haste to get to the meat. Heaven forbid, your food could be cold by the time you get back!

The meat counter is your best friend. Vegetarians have no business in all-you-can-eat buffets. It is, essentially, all about the meat. Locate the main meat counter upon entering, and as soon as you can, strike up a rapport with the chef. All it takes is a subtle "I like your hat" or "my what a big piece of meat you have." From then on whenever you approach he will have the choicest cuts, the biggest servings ready and waiting – without this understanding the best you can hope for is to command a mild repulsion from him. They hate to give away their succulent slices. Obvious exceptions are the meat buffets (like the Brazilian Steakhouse) where the meat comes to you, but really these are only for beginners and those on the Atkins diet.

Value for money. Maybe not high on the agenda for those who peer down from their lofty perches at the rest of us and spit, but for mere mortals, value of money is an important factor. As you would guess, many all-you-can-eat places are not cheap – they can’t be if the food is to be of a sufficiently high standard. Economy buffets will no doubt serve food of dubious hygiene and suspicious origin - kind of like France - and are to be avoided at all costs. If your buffet is more expensive than you had first thought, hit the most pricey foodstuff first. If they have caviar, grab a bowl, even if you don't like it. Polish your shoes with it or something (caviar makes a surprisingly good boot polish).

Take the all-you-can-drink option. Some places like to offer cheap fare but charge through the nose on drinks. These cowboys should be stopped! Always ascertain whether you can drink your fill as well as eat. If so, cocktails and wine all the way - an odd beer is fine to wash down some salty treats, but at the end of the day will take up too much precious stomach space. Alcohol is another good way to extract value from the meal.

Take a newspaper. Whether in a group or on your own (yes, on your own. There is nothing wrong with going to an all-you-can-eat buffet by yourself), it always pays to have some reading material handy. Should you eat your fill before being satisfied, you'll want to burn some time in order to ready yourself for another onslaught - remember, three journeys to the dessert counter is respectable, four is world-class. In addition, say you are waiting for the kitchen to cook another lamb joint, you'll need to keep yourself occupied. Conversation can only take you so far, for sooner or later a lull will crop up, and it is in these lulls that doubt sets in; the breadstick demons will grab hold and temptation will pound your skull like an out of control jack hammer. Many a hardened resolve has crumbled during a five minute wait. Keep your mind busy and you can beat the breadstick.

Next: mind your manners!