A Star is Born

Famed Hollywood director Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon/Hulk/Brokeback Mountain) is currently shooting his new movie in Shanghai. Co-starring Hong Kong big wig Tony Leung and the great Joan Chen, it has at its helm an as yet untapped source of talent.

Me.

I got the opportunity the other day to go west of the city and chew up some scenery on the set of "Lust, Caution" (which is a literal translation from the Chinese, "Se Jie"), which is a movie set in World War II and has something to do with spies and espionage and so on, though being Chinese it will probably involve a convoluted love story of some design. And when I say chew scenery, I do of course mean in the sense of being an extra and walking around in the background, foregorund, and generally standing around looking cool, but I did get to wear a snazzy suit and have my hair slicked back.

This was a quick snap as photos were absolutely forbidden from the set, and anyone caught being snap happy had their camera/phone confiscated and all pictures deleted. Thats the price you pay when working with a Hong Kong crew. Apparently.

Though I didn't actually get to speak to the big man, we did exchange a smile and a knowing nod at the beginning of the day, a mutual acknowledgement towards each other's greatness no doubt. From then on it was fairly standard "stand here and when your man says action walk over there," but on the second last scene of the day, fellow extra Alexander and I took it upon ourselves to change the direction of our path, and even laboured on our start point for a few seconds after the camera started rolling. We felt it added a certain something to the overall effect - not to mention maximising our chances of being on screen. It all went a bit pear shape when our new and improved course saw me walk into the leading lady not once, but twice, prompting a rather heated "CUT." Doh!

All in all it was a good experience, and I got paid to stand around all day and see how a movie gets made. Having said that, it was a very long day (up and out by 5am) and my feet and back were knackered by the end, and on top of everything it was bloody cold. So when they asked me back the following day I politely declined; I feel my mark on the movie world has been well and truly established. All that is left to do is sit around the apartment and wait for Hollywood to call.

Other Great Things I've Been Paid To Do:

1. Watch the 2003 FA cup final. Was living in Cardiff so signed up to do silver service waiting at Cardiff's Millenium Stadium, but they were really over-staffed so shoved 20 of us into a small hot dog stand. I decided I wouldn't be missed so got paid 50 quid to watch Chelsea vs Arsenal
2. Police Line-up. I didn't actually play with Sting, but Preston police officers used to lurk outside the Students Union of the prestigious Universtiy of Central Lancashire, offering students a tenner to take part in a line-up. Basically translates to free beer.
3. University. I attended Uni a year before the introduction of tertiary fees in the UK, so the Western Education and Library Board paid for my formative years in Beer World. Sorry, University.

time of your life

Mr James Wright, high-flying London consultant to the stars, has achieved what I have not. Rather, he's been arsed to do what I have not, and taken the few vids knocking around from Noo Year, spliced them together and put music over the top to produce one nifty little 75 second vid. Good job Mr Wright!

Watch and love here.

And then visit his blog to read his charming brand of comedic office poetry here.

Rambo vs The Computer

As we have a tendancy to eat out these days, and given Miki's penchant for shopping, The White Ball of Fury(tm) is often left to his own devices. Sometimes he is content to while away the hours sprawled on the couch, dreaming of giving chase to smaller dogs. Mostly, however, he searches the apartment for something of value to destroy. Clothes, handbags, candles, plants, anything within reach and that he can get his teeth into.

Last night we hopped over to Seamus's new pad near Xujiahui for a quiet housewarming party and I was silly enough to think that, having not destroyed anything for a few days, he was older and wiser. So I left my computer on the living room couch (we just got wireless so I can use my pooter anywhere!), not sparing it a second thought.

Thankfully he hadn't reached the actual computer by the time we returned (although I did brush some suspicious looking dirty paw marks off the keyboard). The machine is, however, out of service until I can pick up a Dell power cable from somewhere, and I am on a borrowed pooter courtesy of Miki's ma.

As well as my power cable, it has emerged that the little bastard went through a USB flash disk, a deck of cards, the bathroom mat and three plants. And we have had enough. Rambo has ruined everything in the house, and it is time for him to go. We've packed up all his stuff, his leads, some food and his guitar (Rambo is a pretty mean guitar player), and shown him the door.

Goodbye and good luck Rambo 2, you cute whirlwind of terror.

Up in smog

After munching down all manner of pills and evil foul smelling brown liquid stuff in the name of regeneration, I have emerged from my sick bed fighting fit. Well, nearly fighting fit. Time mends all things they say, but what they don't tell us is how long for - a few hours after I gave myself a clean bill of health my nose chose to announce it felt a cold coming on. I need to eat me some more fruit.

It's a Thursday, and life in the big smog meanders pleasantly along, as is its wont, despite the ridiculous levels of air pollution playing merry hell with my respiratory system. I have started to think I've caught the cold deliberately so my breathing is restricted. Last week Shanghai was covered with a smothering fog that closed down the highways for a while, and the city even went so far as to issue a Yellow Fog Alert, which means visibility was down to less than 500 meters. Nice.

For those of you on Seamus-watch, the Irish boy-wonder has found himself a job selling insurance and a run down apartment in closer to the black heart of the city , so will be moving out of our spare room/photo studio tomorrow. .....

And, last but not least, a little bit of fun for all you sadists out there. Seems like the White Ball of Fury(tm) has had enough of his master, and has bitten the hand that feeds. Little tyke.

China Chicken Massacre

HUNDREDS of chickens have been found dead in east China. A court has ruled that the cause of death was the screaming of a four year old boy who in turn had been scared by a barking dog, state media reported. The Jiangsu court ruled the boy's screaming was "the only unexpected abnormal sound" and that 443 chickens trampled each other to death in fear.

sick day

I'm sick. Sick as a diseased rat in an exotic climate. Aching limbs, fuggy head, lungs full of a vile and distressingly colourful stuff. But thats probably too much information. I also have a desperate inability to get warm in this city, where central heating is still a fantastic and futuristic concept. Be warm all the time?? Not wear coats inside?? Surely that is the talk of heathens!

To ease my discomfort I decided to spend the day under a blanket on the couch, catching up with my pirate DVD purchases. A few episodes of Deadwood series 3 seemed to do the trick, along with Blood Diamond and Telladega Nights, but when it came to the apparent jewel in my collection things took a turn for the worse.

Digging around at the back of the shelves at my local dodgy DVD purveyor last week, I came across a Japanese movie that should have, by all rights, been the best movie in the world ever. It's name? BLIND BEAST vs KILLER DWARF! I mean, with a name like that it couldn't fail but to be the best movie ever, right? Wrong. It turned out to be a ridiculous detective story that didn't make any sense whatsoever - the two characters that lend their names to the title, the blind beast and killer dwarf, never actually meet each other, never mind have a fight. And, for that matter, the 'blind beast' is just a normal bloke who wears dark glasses, walks hunched over and has hair covering the backs of his hands. It does have a dwarf in though, which is pretty awesome.

Monday 15th January
Visibility: Sweet FA

il Divo MkII

Very probably the band to watch in 2007. We specialise in classic Meatloaf along with other assorted 70's hits. Each member is multi-talented and can pull off scorching air guitar solos at a moments notice. In addition we have more or less perfected the art of air piano. We Rock.

More pics from the festive season here.

Something for the holidays

Alright guys, here's a recruitment drive for ya..... Who is free the first few weeks of August, and would like to spend it having the shits in India, RACING AUTORICKSHAWS!?????
Have a gander at this:

http://www.indianarc.com/

No going to India on a tourist package and getting ripped off by nasty Tuktuk drivers here! This way you go, see some jungles, cities, coastlines, all from the comfort(?) of your very own autorickshaw that you use to ge to the finish line before anyone else.

Myself and the resilient rat race survivor Jimmy Wright are definitely in, but we wanted to see if anyone would like to join us - more people more fun, as the saying goes. Probably.
It's not cheap, and of course the entrance fee doesn't take into consideration the flights there and back, but it will be an unforgettable holiday. And hey, you get to hang out with me and Mr W.

Check out the website and if it floats your boat, tell me and sign up! If you do it before the end of January there is a sizeable discount, so dust off those credit cards and play with the overdraft!
(p.s. as a bonus, the money from the contest goes to good charities for Indian nippers)

dancing fools and slapping robbie

Still no pictures, but here are a couple of vids for your viewing satisfaction, one taken on New Years night, the other a day late at the top of Bessy Bell, a hill outside Omagh which a few of us hardy folks climbed on the 2nd, after drinking till the early hours of the morning for three consecutive nights. Well done us. Except Jimmy Wright, who whinged for ages about his 'town shoes' and 'fancy coat' when we had to clamber over a four or five felled trees. Wuss.

I don't possess the tech-na-mo-logical know-how to embed them onto this site, so I'm linking you to youtube.

The first, for the sadists among you, is subtlely named Wapping Robbie in the head with a christmas cracker prize, and basically does exactly what it says on the tin. Notice how the boy wonder does not even flinch as a plastic periscope cracks off his noggin. And notice also, if you will, how he looks NOTHING LIKE JAMES DEAN, as he outrageously claims to.

The second Dancing Fools, is another self explanatory video which will look a lot better if and when I get round to putting music over the top of it (will take me quite a while to work that one out). Till then it's best viewed with no sound at all - or, if you want, hum something cheerful and carnival like.

Okay everyone, enjoy the vids, and remember that too much youtube can damage your eyes. But don't forget to have a look at Chad Vader, which is great.....

piracy killed the video star

One thing I love about coming back to China after a few weeks holiday, aside from getting stuck into mountains of lovely dumplings, is the collection of new DVD's on offer from the shady movie shops and grungy street dealers. Today I picked up no less than 7 recently released monsters from Borat to Jackass 2, United 93 to the lipsmackingly delicious D.O.A, as well as a couple of golden oldies to boot. Nine movies in total. The tab, I hear you ask.... it all came to an astounding 63 kuai, which translates to 6 Euros 30 cents! (I work in Euros now because its much easier to convert). I think you'll all find that I do, in fact, win.

disclaimer: video piracy is theft, hence wrong, and is I do not endorse, condone or promote it in any way shape or form. I can't wait to watch Borat though...

Home for the holidays

The festive season over, Miki and I are back in Shanghai, wearing multiple layers of supposedly warm clothes but still managing to freeze our asses off trying to muddle through the tatters that is our internet business, which was put on the backburner while we went out and had fun fun fun for three weeks.

Christmas was a blast, and New Year even better. Home for the first time in nearly two years I took full advantage of the resident cook (mum) and thus spent the duration in an orgy of eating and drinking. Christmas eve saw an impromtu gathering of many friends from my Omagh glory days, and intentions of rising early Christmas morn all fresh faced and Christmassy were effectively scuppered well before last orders. The Beer Monkeys had their way, and I was grudgingly torn from slumber with an angry hangover, only to gag at dads mulled wine, of which he is so proud. Santa brought a watch though, so that made it all better. Well, that and some industrial strength headache pills from China. And several pints of water.

With Miki in tow, I spent some of the time in a rental car showing her the beautiful countryside of Northern Ireland (and Donegal), although most of the time it had to compete with a book of Sudoku puzzles, and I'm not sure if the scenery won. Plus, next time I do a drive around Ireland, I think I'll do it in summer - in the winter night falls around 4pm, and the Antrim coastline just isn't as striking in the dark...

The annual "New Year Party At The Gordons(TM)" this year had a few less revellers than usual (combination of Jeni being in Korea and me having Scottish friends), so we downgraded it to a Gathering and renamed it "The Gordon's New Year Gathering Of Lyke Minded Individuals Wyth Fun Endeavors And Myghty Thirsts(TM)." Everyone made a concerted effort and alcohol consumption managed to exceed previous parties. Random drink induced hijinxs also hit an all time high. Some highlights, good, bad and ugly:

- Low numbers allowing a massive sit down dinner courtesy of my mum
- Robbie Heaney's frankly shameful comments that he is the spitting image of James Dean
- Jam coming in full bananaphone man gear
- Shirts, hats and Timesplitters
- Simon's early exit (though he probably had a good time)
- Seamus's bizarre "let's pour Sambuca on sleeping people" routine
- A smoking rendition of Bat out of Hell
- An over-eager Paul Townsend turing up with less than eager girlfriend (from Swindon), much to the hilarity of the rest of us. Perhaps it had something to do with everyone telling her how crap Swindon is (and only Andy Wyatt has been there)
- Roxanne drinking song that I won. Probably.

Er, this is quite frankly all that I remember. The rest of you who were there that night, please fill in the quite sizeable gaps..... photos to come once I find them..... Happy New Year everyone!