HOLLY: Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
LISTER: Haven't I just gone in?
HOLLY: Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.
LISTER: Where is everybody, Hol?
HOLLY: They're dead, Dave.
LISTER: Who is?
HOLLY: Everybody, Dave.
LISTER: What, Captain Hollister?
HOLLY: Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: What, Todd Hunter?
HOLLY: Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: What, Selby?
HOLLY: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: Petersen isn't, is he?
HOLLY: Everybody is *dead*, Dave.
LISTER: Not Chen?
HOLLY: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: Rimmer?
HOLLY: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
LISTER: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
HOLLY: I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.
Tuesday, February 27
Everybody's dead
Sunday, February 25
Croke Park Thrashing
...oooo....my head.....where am I.....vague recollections....lots of beer.....a sea of green....what....oh yes....
WE BEAT THE ENGLISH!!
And not merely 'beat.' Flicking the pooter on this morning I am greeted with the headline Ireland hammer England at Croke Park, and it all comes flooding back. Braving the February cold in the early hours of Sunday I trekked several arduous miles to the nearest Irish pub in Shanghai* and joined a vocal Irish contingent in cheering on the boys in green.
43-13: the biggest win over the English in 60 years. That's more than worth today's hangover. Having said that, however, I notice an unsettling development; because of the vile robbery at the hands of the French two weeks ago, and their win over a pitiful Welsh side yesterday, it means that they are odds on favourites for the Grand Slam. In order to stop them and crown Ireland rightful winners of the 2007 Six Nations tournament, they have to be beaten a least once. And let's face it, Scotland certainly aren't going to do anything about it (they have just presented Italy with their first ever Six Nations away win). WHICH, boys and girls, is a roundabout way of saying I may have to actually support England when they play France next week.
I don't know what to do. I've never supported England - shouted at them, cursed them, thrown things at the telly when they're playing, but never supported them! Think I'll just hide in bed and have a peek at the score when it's over.
(*truth be told I didn't have to trek anywhere. I took a taxi. And I was already out at a house party. And the night was unseasonably mild for a february.)
Saturday, February 24
Wednesday, February 21
shanghai burns
11pm on the 4th of January* and already Shanghai is burning. The night is pockmarked with the rattle of banger fire and the booming, coloured flashes of high powered explosive.
According to tradition, letting off personal fireworks at (or near) the beginning of the 5th of January will bring you luck and prosperity - and listening to the Shanghai night, that's an awful lot of rich folk. 'Course, a man more pessimistic than myself might point out that the only folk getting rich are the firework sellers who command ridiculous prices for their high verlocity wares...
From my apartment I can see a guy down at the crossroads of Aomen lu and Xikang lu with a few boxes, just standing there, setting them off by himself. Just one bloke, and the result is something that puts the annual Hallowe'en firework display at Omagh showgrounds completely to shame. It's a scene that is repeated as far as I can see; a scene repeated all over Shanghai, all over China! These people go mad for their fireworks!
A bunch were let off just below my apartment, and it's quite a feeling seeing a massive firework branch out just yards away, with only a pane of glass in between. I never thought I'd be standing above looking down on huge exploding fireworks! Having said that, the night is alive with coloured flashes and I'm sitting here tippytapping into a computer... a 10 year old Pete would be really pissed off with me.
I'm away to let off my share.
(* Chinese calander. In real terms it's actually late February)
According to tradition, letting off personal fireworks at (or near) the beginning of the 5th of January will bring you luck and prosperity - and listening to the Shanghai night, that's an awful lot of rich folk. 'Course, a man more pessimistic than myself might point out that the only folk getting rich are the firework sellers who command ridiculous prices for their high verlocity wares...
From my apartment I can see a guy down at the crossroads of Aomen lu and Xikang lu with a few boxes, just standing there, setting them off by himself. Just one bloke, and the result is something that puts the annual Hallowe'en firework display at Omagh showgrounds completely to shame. It's a scene that is repeated as far as I can see; a scene repeated all over Shanghai, all over China! These people go mad for their fireworks!
A bunch were let off just below my apartment, and it's quite a feeling seeing a massive firework branch out just yards away, with only a pane of glass in between. I never thought I'd be standing above looking down on huge exploding fireworks! Having said that, the night is alive with coloured flashes and I'm sitting here tippytapping into a computer... a 10 year old Pete would be really pissed off with me.
I'm away to let off my share.
(* Chinese calander. In real terms it's actually late February)
Tuesday, February 20
Ethniklashistan
A link to an article in The Onion promoting an alternative resolution to the world's most infamous trouble spots. Not overly sure if Northern Irish Protestants belong in the same boat as the Rwandan Hutus, or, for that matter, if all Northern Irish Protestants like to be called Northern Irish Protestants (Ulster-Scots, anyone?), but it's nice to see a different opinion to that usually trumpeted by Americans ("why can't you guys just sit down and talk about it?"). Benjamin Ray from Virginia, I'm looking in your direction.
Here it is: Ethniklashistan.
Here it is: Ethniklashistan.
Sunday, February 18
新年快乐!!
Happy Chinese New Year!
Joining the throngs of festive feeling Chinese folk, Rambo2, Seamus and myself headed off to spend CNY with Miki's relatives. Red envelopes, beer, food, more food and fireworks were all on the menu, all of which was recieved, consumed or set on fire with titanic ghusto.
seamus, miki, me and miki's grandma
I mentioned before how fireworks of any shape or size, save the crappy little indoor kind, were banned until a few years ago in little Norn Irun. As kids in Omagh we had to make do with jam jars and petrol. Every now and again a fabled French Banger would emerge in the possession of a friend, prompting heated debates about how it should be used. More petrol was usually enlisted. Anyway, my point is this childhood of virtual boomstick poverty was a world away from what goes on in every city, town, village, hamlet and home in China - The New Year is met not just with a bang, but with a billion small explosions. People start stockpiling fireworks weeks beforehand and the entire holiday is punctuated with booms, pops and man made thunder - even as I sit here writing, one day after New Years, it still sounds like the Tet offensive outside.
When 12 midnight on New Years Eve rolled round, Miki's dad led us downstairs to a storage room that was FULL from top to bottom with boxes and boxes of fireworks. After a day of drinking round at Miki's gran's house, it was perhaps one of the most beautiful sights ever. We carried half the boxes outside to where everyone else was gathered, letting off their own. Here's a live action shot:
And here, via a link to youtube (I tried embedding it here. Tried and failed), is a wee vid of what it was like outside my apartment block - Just imagine it in complete 360 degree ear drum shattering glory. And word has it this wasn't even the biggest night for fireworks! Apparently the 5th day of Chinese New Year is much bigger. Don't have a clue why though. Hopefully my hearing will have fully returned by then...
新年快乐!!
no t for me
You never realise how often the letter 't' is used when writing until it leaves your keyboard.
Thursday, February 15
Tuesday, February 13
New Years (gripe)
China, as we all know, is a HUGE country in terms of both land and population. A mind blowing 1.3 BILLION Chinese souls stretch from the harsh northern province of Heilongjiang, all the way down to the balmy Guandong region. From the chaotic, skyscraper teeming Shanghai, to poor, peaceful, disputed Lhasa, a fifth of the world's people are scattered everywhere.
1.3 billion people. That's a lot of folks, all running around, working, going about their business, falling into love, out of love, and generally, living. Imagine, if you will, the sheer effort involved to keep a population of this magnitude in check. Complete anarchy can only be a vicious government rumour away. And, with the exception of, say, a few hundred million or so, each individual has a cognitive role to play in this massive undertaking, whether it's the guy on the street selling the cigarettes that oils the gears of social interaction which in turn keeps the hospitals in patients, or maybe the new woman manager of a ball bearing factory, sending her little steel balls of fun out to every movable and portative mechanism producer under the sun. Everyone has a purpose.
Which, ladies and gentlemen, begs the question: how does a country with a citizenry of this enormity completely shut down for two whole weeks?
It's Chinese New Year, and everyone save the sorry slice who work in the catering or entertainment sectors have gone back home for the holidays. It's a time for being with your family and eating as much food as humanly possible - much like Christmas in the west. This I have no problem with, but what I find bizarre is that in a country this size practially every business is closed for the entire duration.
Which of course is bad news for us and our fledgling wee export business. We have entered into a partnership with a factory in Suzhou; they have all gone home and we can't get in touch with anyone. The shipping company we use cease operations tomorrow, to be resumed at an undisclosed date. Basically everyone we deal with on the China side has stopped working. This, would be fantastic (holiday!) if we didn't have the other side - the customers - who live in the west and have no interest in what goes on over here!
But at least I get to play with lots of fireworks! (Until very recently fireworks of any description have been completely banned in Norn Irun . Something to do with the potential our resident paramilitaries had for abusing them....)
Goodbye fingers.
1.3 billion people. That's a lot of folks, all running around, working, going about their business, falling into love, out of love, and generally, living. Imagine, if you will, the sheer effort involved to keep a population of this magnitude in check. Complete anarchy can only be a vicious government rumour away. And, with the exception of, say, a few hundred million or so, each individual has a cognitive role to play in this massive undertaking, whether it's the guy on the street selling the cigarettes that oils the gears of social interaction which in turn keeps the hospitals in patients, or maybe the new woman manager of a ball bearing factory, sending her little steel balls of fun out to every movable and portative mechanism producer under the sun. Everyone has a purpose.
Which, ladies and gentlemen, begs the question: how does a country with a citizenry of this enormity completely shut down for two whole weeks?
It's Chinese New Year, and everyone save the sorry slice who work in the catering or entertainment sectors have gone back home for the holidays. It's a time for being with your family and eating as much food as humanly possible - much like Christmas in the west. This I have no problem with, but what I find bizarre is that in a country this size practially every business is closed for the entire duration.
Which of course is bad news for us and our fledgling wee export business. We have entered into a partnership with a factory in Suzhou; they have all gone home and we can't get in touch with anyone. The shipping company we use cease operations tomorrow, to be resumed at an undisclosed date. Basically everyone we deal with on the China side has stopped working. This, would be fantastic (holiday!) if we didn't have the other side - the customers - who live in the west and have no interest in what goes on over here!
But at least I get to play with lots of fireworks! (Until very recently fireworks of any description have been completely banned in Norn Irun . Something to do with the potential our resident paramilitaries had for abusing them....)
Goodbye fingers.
Monday, February 12
No Grand Slam for us....
Heart-breaking, tear-jerking, piteous, bloody stupid. O' Gara kicked to put Ireland 4 points clear of France yesterday during an historic six nations match up at Croke Park. With a minute and a half on the clock, all the boys in green had to do was hold the line.
Shame no one told the lads that the game was still on. They figured it must be over, the victory was an Irish one and, by gosh, what shall I drink first to celebrate? The second to last play of the game and the horrible French scored, and then converted, the winning try. I hate the French.
It doesn't reflect the second half at all, with the 82,000 capacity crowd urging their boys on, and the Irish answering with some gritty play. They crawled back to a sketchy one point lead, then O' Gara's penalty on the 78th minute should have sealed the deal.
So no Grand Slam. I think we can still win the tournament, but we'll have to wait until next year for the Grand Slam. At least we'll beat England on the 24th......
Did I mention I hate the French?
Shame no one told the lads that the game was still on. They figured it must be over, the victory was an Irish one and, by gosh, what shall I drink first to celebrate? The second to last play of the game and the horrible French scored, and then converted, the winning try. I hate the French.
It doesn't reflect the second half at all, with the 82,000 capacity crowd urging their boys on, and the Irish answering with some gritty play. They crawled back to a sketchy one point lead, then O' Gara's penalty on the 78th minute should have sealed the deal.
So no Grand Slam. I think we can still win the tournament, but we'll have to wait until next year for the Grand Slam. At least we'll beat England on the 24th......
Did I mention I hate the French?
Wednesday, February 7
Monday, February 5
dreaming of the grand slam....
WALES 9 IRELAND 19
Just watched the mighty Ireland in fine form slaying the Welsh dragon; Excellent game and an even better result! At the Millennium Sadium no less. If we can keep it up and beat France the Six Nations is ours, and even, dare I say it, the Grand Slam. I shouldn't think we'll have too much trouble beating that Johnny Wilkinson. Who does he play for again?
Friday, February 2
INDIAN AUTORICKSHAW CHALLENGE!!!!!!
It's on! Miki calls us idiots, my mum has called us foolish, but the team form has been sent in, the money has been paid, and we are the most recent entrants of the 2007 Indian Autorickshaw Challenge Mumbai Xpress Rally!!
Consisting of the ever-exuberant Mr James Wright and myself, Team Tuk Tuk Tuxedo is gearing up to blow all other competition away on the wild highways and byways of India in the fine artform that is 150cc autorickshaw racing.
Team Tuk Tuk Tuxedo
Starting in Chennai, on the east coast, we burn a hole through the heart of the country, emerging in Mangalore on the west, before heading up to Mumbai via Goa. All in all, just shy of a mind-numbing 2000kms!! Check out the route (and his idea of getting ahead of the bunch) on James' blog here. And if you fancy reading about last years race (which was a pathetic 1000km), and your name isn't Evelyn Gordon, go here. A sample:
Although we weren’t in the grips of monsoon season there were still some spectacular downpours. Aquaplaning whilst waggling the hand operated windscreen wiper is particularly entertaining.
If anyone else fancies joining, though the cheap earlybird fee has gone, there are still available tuktuks. It's a tad expensive but it's for charity and will possibly be the bestest fun in the whole world. Ever. Bar none.
p.s. next step is looking for sponsors..... anyone want to rent some prime advertising space on the front of the winning tuk tuk?
28
28th birthday a few days ago, so went out for some all you can eat/all you can drink teppanyaki with a few people. Along with the oiishi steaku, the ebi, okonomiyaki and other fine foods cooked from scratch right in front of us, we demanded a bottomless jug of sake with accompanying beers. Much merriment was made, especially by Seamus, who was celebrating the conclusion of his first day at work. Too bad his second day of work started early the next morning....
So another year has passed under the bridge. Do I feel older? Hell yes! Seems like only yesterday I was asking people the way to the Students Union in Preston - that was nearly 10 years ago! Retirement would be just around the corner, if ever I had a proper career! And happy birthday also to Simon, who, as luck would have it, celebrates his birthday on EXACTLY the same day as me. Who would have thunk it?
So another year has passed under the bridge. Do I feel older? Hell yes! Seems like only yesterday I was asking people the way to the Students Union in Preston - that was nearly 10 years ago! Retirement would be just around the corner, if ever I had a proper career! And happy birthday also to Simon, who, as luck would have it, celebrates his birthday on EXACTLY the same day as me. Who would have thunk it?
Birthday night with two danish girls and one random beggar. Ain't life grand.
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