Something for the holidays

Alright guys, here's a recruitment drive for ya..... Who is free the first few weeks of August, and would like to spend it having the shits in India, RACING AUTORICKSHAWS!?????
Have a gander at this:

http://www.indianarc.com/

No going to India on a tourist package and getting ripped off by nasty Tuktuk drivers here! This way you go, see some jungles, cities, coastlines, all from the comfort(?) of your very own autorickshaw that you use to ge to the finish line before anyone else.

Myself and the resilient rat race survivor Jimmy Wright are definitely in, but we wanted to see if anyone would like to join us - more people more fun, as the saying goes. Probably.
It's not cheap, and of course the entrance fee doesn't take into consideration the flights there and back, but it will be an unforgettable holiday. And hey, you get to hang out with me and Mr W.

Check out the website and if it floats your boat, tell me and sign up! If you do it before the end of January there is a sizeable discount, so dust off those credit cards and play with the overdraft!
(p.s. as a bonus, the money from the contest goes to good charities for Indian nippers)

dancing fools and slapping robbie

Still no pictures, but here are a couple of vids for your viewing satisfaction, one taken on New Years night, the other a day late at the top of Bessy Bell, a hill outside Omagh which a few of us hardy folks climbed on the 2nd, after drinking till the early hours of the morning for three consecutive nights. Well done us. Except Jimmy Wright, who whinged for ages about his 'town shoes' and 'fancy coat' when we had to clamber over a four or five felled trees. Wuss.

I don't possess the tech-na-mo-logical know-how to embed them onto this site, so I'm linking you to youtube.

The first, for the sadists among you, is subtlely named Wapping Robbie in the head with a christmas cracker prize, and basically does exactly what it says on the tin. Notice how the boy wonder does not even flinch as a plastic periscope cracks off his noggin. And notice also, if you will, how he looks NOTHING LIKE JAMES DEAN, as he outrageously claims to.

The second Dancing Fools, is another self explanatory video which will look a lot better if and when I get round to putting music over the top of it (will take me quite a while to work that one out). Till then it's best viewed with no sound at all - or, if you want, hum something cheerful and carnival like.

Okay everyone, enjoy the vids, and remember that too much youtube can damage your eyes. But don't forget to have a look at Chad Vader, which is great.....

piracy killed the video star

One thing I love about coming back to China after a few weeks holiday, aside from getting stuck into mountains of lovely dumplings, is the collection of new DVD's on offer from the shady movie shops and grungy street dealers. Today I picked up no less than 7 recently released monsters from Borat to Jackass 2, United 93 to the lipsmackingly delicious D.O.A, as well as a couple of golden oldies to boot. Nine movies in total. The tab, I hear you ask.... it all came to an astounding 63 kuai, which translates to 6 Euros 30 cents! (I work in Euros now because its much easier to convert). I think you'll all find that I do, in fact, win.

disclaimer: video piracy is theft, hence wrong, and is I do not endorse, condone or promote it in any way shape or form. I can't wait to watch Borat though...

Home for the holidays

The festive season over, Miki and I are back in Shanghai, wearing multiple layers of supposedly warm clothes but still managing to freeze our asses off trying to muddle through the tatters that is our internet business, which was put on the backburner while we went out and had fun fun fun for three weeks.

Christmas was a blast, and New Year even better. Home for the first time in nearly two years I took full advantage of the resident cook (mum) and thus spent the duration in an orgy of eating and drinking. Christmas eve saw an impromtu gathering of many friends from my Omagh glory days, and intentions of rising early Christmas morn all fresh faced and Christmassy were effectively scuppered well before last orders. The Beer Monkeys had their way, and I was grudgingly torn from slumber with an angry hangover, only to gag at dads mulled wine, of which he is so proud. Santa brought a watch though, so that made it all better. Well, that and some industrial strength headache pills from China. And several pints of water.

With Miki in tow, I spent some of the time in a rental car showing her the beautiful countryside of Northern Ireland (and Donegal), although most of the time it had to compete with a book of Sudoku puzzles, and I'm not sure if the scenery won. Plus, next time I do a drive around Ireland, I think I'll do it in summer - in the winter night falls around 4pm, and the Antrim coastline just isn't as striking in the dark...

The annual "New Year Party At The Gordons(TM)" this year had a few less revellers than usual (combination of Jeni being in Korea and me having Scottish friends), so we downgraded it to a Gathering and renamed it "The Gordon's New Year Gathering Of Lyke Minded Individuals Wyth Fun Endeavors And Myghty Thirsts(TM)." Everyone made a concerted effort and alcohol consumption managed to exceed previous parties. Random drink induced hijinxs also hit an all time high. Some highlights, good, bad and ugly:

- Low numbers allowing a massive sit down dinner courtesy of my mum
- Robbie Heaney's frankly shameful comments that he is the spitting image of James Dean
- Jam coming in full bananaphone man gear
- Shirts, hats and Timesplitters
- Simon's early exit (though he probably had a good time)
- Seamus's bizarre "let's pour Sambuca on sleeping people" routine
- A smoking rendition of Bat out of Hell
- An over-eager Paul Townsend turing up with less than eager girlfriend (from Swindon), much to the hilarity of the rest of us. Perhaps it had something to do with everyone telling her how crap Swindon is (and only Andy Wyatt has been there)
- Roxanne drinking song that I won. Probably.

Er, this is quite frankly all that I remember. The rest of you who were there that night, please fill in the quite sizeable gaps..... photos to come once I find them..... Happy New Year everyone!

pub quiz

Went to the Hogsheads Christmas pub quiz last night. We lost pathetically, and even missed out on all the raffle prizes. I suspect a conspiracy, a conspiracy some members of my team were part of - DR Congo?? I ask you!

I did learn of a somewhat alarming development however - since Jam got confirmation of his job with Ryanair, he feels compelled to palm off second rate pilot jokes to all and sundry. A dark dark cloud has passed over this world.....

Oh, and vegans are stupid! But I guess we all knew that anyway! Any vegans out there prepared to comment? Thought not.

congratulation jam

Congratulations to James A. who successfully passed an interview with Ryanair to become pilot first class a few days ago.

James : Well done old boy. All those years of 'hard-work' and 'dedication' have paid off.

Everyone Who Flies Ryanair : Be afraid, be very afraid.

Mr&Mrs A. : He's going! He's leaving home! You must be over the moon!

dublin musing

Standing outside the Louis Vuitton shop in Dublin the other day looking poor and waiting for Miki, Yoshi posed an interesting, if slightly random, question -

Do midgets have super powers?

Additionally, through the course of our musings, the question was raised whether the outcome of a fight between

a) a normal sized man and a giant ant

and

b) a normal sized ant and a shrunken man

would be the same. Answers/reflections in comment form please.

the yosh man cometh

Been at home for a week now, and already resemble a fattened hog. Spent the first few days indoors, watching as Northern Ireland tried, with no inconsiderate amount of success, to become the worlds biggest puddle. It made no difference to me, as I was quite content to munch on everything and anything edible and within reach, and bask in the fuzzy glory of the world's most brilliant idea - central heating! Asian countries take note.

The last three days were spent chugging about in a rented car. In the original plan, I had foreseen a trip designed to take in the glories of the West coast and show Miki the rugged beauty inherent in this fair country. That plan was scuppered when, on the back of a hastily stuck together flight of fancy, Becky Feeny and the Yosh-monster flew in to say hello so we all went to Dublin and sat in various pubs, drinking. My old mate Seamus showed up. Merriment was made.

I should point out at this juncture to those outside the loop (of knowledge) that Becky and Yoshi are friends of mine from when I was in Japan and who currently reside in Dundee. They wanted to come over at New Years for our giant party, but plans to visit Yoshi's family got in the way, so they came over for a blink-and-you'll-miss-'em weekend whirlwind jaunt. After our night in Dublin we headed North, back to the civilised world, to visit another Japan alumni, Robbie. Another night in the pub saw a very bored Miki who got fed up listening to our Nippon reminiscing after the third hour, but she consoled herself the next day by purchasing a foot long German sausage for lunch in Belfast the next day. No jokes please.

Three days, two capitals, many many beers, but no pictures. We forgot our camera and Becky is a modern day luddite who keeps digital technology at an arms length claiming "sure I'd just break it." So we bought a disposable that will probably never get developed. But it was a good weekend.

me

Saturday's Random Interesting Fact

The westernmost side of Kazakhstan is closer to Hamburg than it is to its own eastern border. Fancy that!

Survival of the Fattest II: stratagem

Good planning is key to a successful buffet experience. Here I offer up five key tips for gaining that extra foothold:

Grab a central table. I can’t stress this enough people. A central table is essential to any successful buffet maneuver, which can become quickly jeopardized by too much walking. Walking is your enemy! Leaving aside the fact that on your fifth trip to the dessert counter you won’t want to be carrying that bulging stomach very far, the further you are from the food the more plates you’ll have to carry. Thus, any number of things can quickly go wrong. You may drop some of your carefully chosen fare, even a whole plate, even multiple dishes! Or you may miss a whole section in your haste to get to the meat. Heaven forbid, your food could be cold by the time you get back!

The meat counter is your best friend. Vegetarians have no business in all-you-can-eat buffets. It is, essentially, all about the meat. Locate the main meat counter upon entering, and as soon as you can, strike up a rapport with the chef. All it takes is a subtle "I like your hat" or "my what a big piece of meat you have." From then on whenever you approach he will have the choicest cuts, the biggest servings ready and waiting – without this understanding the best you can hope for is to command a mild repulsion from him. They hate to give away their succulent slices. Obvious exceptions are the meat buffets (like the Brazilian Steakhouse) where the meat comes to you, but really these are only for beginners and those on the Atkins diet.

Value for money. Maybe not high on the agenda for those who peer down from their lofty perches at the rest of us and spit, but for mere mortals, value of money is an important factor. As you would guess, many all-you-can-eat places are not cheap – they can’t be if the food is to be of a sufficiently high standard. Economy buffets will no doubt serve food of dubious hygiene and suspicious origin - kind of like France - and are to be avoided at all costs. If your buffet is more expensive than you had first thought, hit the most pricey foodstuff first. If they have caviar, grab a bowl, even if you don't like it. Polish your shoes with it or something (caviar makes a surprisingly good boot polish).

Take the all-you-can-drink option. Some places like to offer cheap fare but charge through the nose on drinks. These cowboys should be stopped! Always ascertain whether you can drink your fill as well as eat. If so, cocktails and wine all the way - an odd beer is fine to wash down some salty treats, but at the end of the day will take up too much precious stomach space. Alcohol is another good way to extract value from the meal.

Take a newspaper. Whether in a group or on your own (yes, on your own. There is nothing wrong with going to an all-you-can-eat buffet by yourself), it always pays to have some reading material handy. Should you eat your fill before being satisfied, you'll want to burn some time in order to ready yourself for another onslaught - remember, three journeys to the dessert counter is respectable, four is world-class. In addition, say you are waiting for the kitchen to cook another lamb joint, you'll need to keep yourself occupied. Conversation can only take you so far, for sooner or later a lull will crop up, and it is in these lulls that doubt sets in; the breadstick demons will grab hold and temptation will pound your skull like an out of control jack hammer. Many a hardened resolve has crumbled during a five minute wait. Keep your mind busy and you can beat the breadstick.

Next: mind your manners!

I originally posted this back in January, but seeing that
a)back then I had about two regular readers
b)the fact that I have recently re-discovered it
b)I wish to inflict upon my friends many many many wasted hours
here it is again - THE FALLING SAND GAME . Great stuff. The simplest of pleasures include building a huge oil reserve and then watching it burn, pixel by tiny pixel.

the message messiah

I was wondering why no one was leaving messages on this thing. Quite a few hits (I count more than 10 as quite a few hits) and not one message. However, it has just been pointed out to me, in no uncertain terms, that people aren't allowed to leave messages as I haven't enabled it. Silly Peter.

Anyway, I have now, so go ahead, leave messages. I know you want to.

simon's friends

Simon with his new best friend, 7 foot tall Big Show. (And smaller friend Alex)

Thursday

Thursday today - The weather was really really bad. Visibility was down to 3b (as in I could see a maximum of three buildings away) and from our balcony I could only just make out the ground, 23 floors down. Not sure if it was a perpetual mist, smog, or a toxic cloud - probably a mixture of all three. Nothing much really happened today. Business was slow and my only source of amusement was the White Ball of Fury who went a bit mad.

Only 4 more days and myself and Miki leave on a jet plane back to the motherland to enjoy home cooking and a 'proper' Christmas. By proper I do of course mean the polar opposite of last year, which was spent in New Zealand (see here). Beautiful blue skies, a warm sunny atmosphere and turkeys cooked on bbq's. It's just not right! Miserable cold and wet weather with the odd frost - THAT'S a Christmas. Makes you really appreciate the hot food and alcohol.